How to Successfully Handle Your Breakup

It really hurts knowing that a relationship or marriage is over. At first you might want to deny it. The pain you are going through can be really excruciating. Your heart is being ripped apart and the pain is both psychological and emotional. A breakup can even affect your physical health. Moving on is a challenge, but you can do it! You can decide to make it a difficult journey or you can turn it into one of the most beautiful things that ever happened in your life. If you want to make this journey a fruitful one, if you want to use it as an opportunity to enrich your life, then you can consider the tips below.

 Admit the Fact That It Is Really Over

 The journey towards healing starts the moment you admit that it’s really over. Yes, this isn’t an easy thing to do, but you must come to the point where you tell yourself, “It won’t really work. It is definitely over”. The decision to move on is a way of loving the person you have been involved with for years, and it is also a way of loving yourself. The earlier you come to this realization, the quicker you’d move on. Don’t waste your time looking for ways to re-connect with your ex or to win him or her back. It is time you start thinking about yourself.

 Learn to Love and Take Care of Yourself

 You will realize that in almost every painful relationship that is doomed to end, one of the partners is often abused, in one way or another. You might have cared so much for your partner that you gave little time to yourself. No one deserves to be unhappy in a relationship and you deserve the best. No one can argue about that. You should convince yourself that you deserve more than a hurtful relationship. You should start giving yourself the love you deserve. This is time for you to unwind, to discover the beauty of the person you are and to do the things you have always loved to do which the relationship prevented you from doing. You can do this if you stop making excuses to meet or connect with your ex husband or wife. You should be able to tell yourself, positively, and with conviction that you deserve and will get the best. Pamper yourself and look for occasions to add color to your life. It is also time for you to rediscover the beauty and love of family.

 Implement the “No Contact” Rule

 It will be hard for you to move on if you continue to meet your ex husband or wife. After breakups the pain can be really terrible and you may feel as if you’d die if you leave him or her definitely. The truth is that you can really survive, and you can survive even better without him or her. Avoid making excuses to meet him. It is not easy to forget an experience of a love that has gone on between the two of you, but it won’t help if you continue to make excuses to re-connect with him or her. Some of the excuses can involve things like the desire for final closure, the curiosity to understand the reason for the breakup, and the fact that you both frequent the same circles of friends. The earlier you cut communicating with him, the easier will the healing process be for you. The sense of loss can also be so strong that you’d want to become friends with your ex, maintaining a physical relationship without any commitment. It is what they call “friends with benefits”. This is not an ideal thing to do. You will hurt yourself more and invite more trouble if you seek any contact with him or her.

 Be Easy on Yourself

 One of the things you should avoid after a breakup is the feeling of guilt. It is not uncommon to find people who go through life feeling guilty for a relationship that never worked. There is nothing you can do about the past. You can either accept or learn from it or you can allow it to haunt your thoughts for the rest of your life. There is no way you will be completely whole if you continue to feel that it was your fault that the relationship never worked. It is easy to point fingers after a failed relationship, to blame your partner and to foster feelings of hatred. This attitude of mind won’t help you move on. You can look at the relationship and move on with gratitude for the beautiful things that happened during that relationship. This is easy if you learn to forgive yourself.

 You can easily put your life back together after a breakup if you focus on yourself and learn to love yourself first. Always remember that you can never love anyone properly if you fail to love and treat yourself with kindness and gentleness. Do not grieve for a lost love so much that your grief blurs your vision from seeing true love when it comes your way. A breakup can be a blessing in that it allows you to discover more about yourself, to focus on yourself and to cultivate qualities that can make your life and career even better than before. If you have spent your time striving to please people you love, then it’s time for you to please yourself and do things that make you happy and fulfilled.

 


Advertisements

Understanding Where Life Hurts

Ideally, midlife is the period when life should be very interesting with people living their dreams and reaching their professional goals. Unfortunately, this period of ripe humanity can also be the crisis point in the journey through life. Instead of celebrating life’s achievements, you are jittery, uncertain and afraid. Instead of experiencing the fullness of life, you are plagued with unnamed fears. Something always seems to be missing and the unsettling prospects of old age begin to loom in the horizon and you start doubting if you are really where you were meant to be. There is no need to fret about this and worry about growing old. It is important to know that you are not alone in this experience. There is much you would like to say “no” to, but there is a lot you must have to resign to as well.

There are many who go through midlife crisis without even understanding what is happening. Ignorance of what is happening can be very tragic in that you may find yourself reading situations in the wrong perspective and making choices that can be regrettable in the long run. Understanding what happens during this crisis can help you avoid making a big problem of what could have been a transitory moment of change. The insights discussed in this article will help you understand how to handle this challenge and find meaning in life.

Some Symptoms of Midlife Crisis

There are many signs that can call your attention the presence of midlife crisis. One of these signs is restlessness. Restlessness and anxiety can result from the fear of growing old. Old age can appear to be a threat to life. The awareness that you’d soon be dependent on others and incompetent of things you’ve always done with ease can be unsettling. For some, it can even become a nightmare that stirs their thoughts continually. You are aware that the clock is continually ticking and that your days of active life are running out. You become very conscious of your looks and can be really uncomfortable when you look into the mirror and discover grey hair on your head or new wrinkles on your face. This can be very disturbing especially if you have unfinished projects and dreams that are not likely to become reality. This period can also be characterized by instability in your relationships. Some people are known to have problems with their marriages at midlife. You can also feel like you have made wrong choices in life or that you have lived your life pursuing dreams that were chosen by a teenager your once were. Frustrations become a routine and you feel like you are a failure. People often tend to be touchy and emotional at this point in life. However, you can turn this phase of life into an inspirational moment and discover life’s real meaning in the seemingly absurd pain of being human if you understand what is happening and why you feel the way you do.

How to Handle Midlife Crisis

There are no standard solutions to midlife crisis. What is most important is that you understand what is happening at this crucial moment in your life. You may not even need to do anything. Midlife crisis can be the only opportunity for you to ask the important questions about life. At such moments, the quest for meaning becomes inevitable. Instead of taking flights and seeking recluse, you begin understand that life is a challenge to take, and that it can only be meaningful as long as you accept reality as it is. It is not uncommon to find people who start blaming others or external circumstances for their frustrated hopes and dreams. The experience of life at this stage cannot be any better if you put the blame on others or even yourself. The result can only be bitterness and isolation. If you understand the crisis as a phase in life, then you can deepen your love for others and open up to life with gratitude.

Openness to Life and to Others

Life can only be meaningful if you accept it as a gift. The moment you start feeling that it is treating or has treated you unfairly, you start being manipulative. The desire for success at all cost is one of the things that push people to be individualistic and domineering. Much of the isolation people feel is self-chosen. You want to stand on your own. You want to make your choices and to pursue your dreams. This feeling of freedom has many attractions, but the downside is that you become a lonely and frustrated person. Although you may experience a sense of power and feel like you can move faster in life without others, you still carry the fear of failure within. Do not be afraid to reach out to others. Others will always enrich you from their own experience. When you open your life to others, you soon discover that you are not alone on the journey and the thought itself encourages you to stay positive. Midlife crisis may require you to make changes in life, but the most important is the decision to be open to others, to let others touch your vulnerability and to discover the joy of love and communion.

You Are Not a “Failure”

Most of the pain that people suffer at midlife results from the illusions they have grown up with. In youth, we are all full of dreams. We believe that we can change the world by following our dreams. But life waits for us with its tests. The realization that life can be cruel and challenging can be frustrating. This is something we hardly realize as we grow up building our castles in the air. When they come tumbling down, our eyes open and the reality of our vulnerability is stunning. Life is essentially about who we are like and how we relate with the people we love. When our castles start falling, it is tempting to feel that we are a “failure”. We discover how hard it can be to grow old with the love of our adolescence, to stick to the dreams that have kept us going. Yes, growing can be very painful. Maturity happens the moment we start accepting the bitter truth that we are flawed, dependent and short-lived. When this happens, we begin to welcome change with serenity, we live each moment as a gift, filling it with the best that we have, accepting and loving others in a way that enlarges our universe and enriches our humanity.

If you are in crisis and feel that you cannot handle things properly, then it is prudent to talk to a professional. It is also prudent not to do anything the moment you feel that things are not the way you’d like them to be. Midlife crisis can be a time for you to rethink the choices you’ve made or an opportunity to accept them with serenity. The journey towards maturity involves the realization that we cannot live without pain. The pain that wakes us up to reality equally helps us to mature in love, discovering the infinite possibilities that open within our souls. We would be capable of forgiving ourselves and embracing life courageously if we understand that this stage in life prepares us to enter into another phase that is filled with beauty and fulfilmen

Beyond Mediocrity: Unleashing the Creative Energy in Us

If you look around, you would see so many people dying a slow death. It is passing through life and being affected very little by its summons. It is also breaking things without actually discovering their hidden import. Suicide is living like nothing mattered at all. A slower suicide, subtle and painful, is that of living indifferently, unaffected. Living without passion is suicide. People begin to feel the thrill of life when they decide to get out of routine, to throw away the old gadgets, the familiar rules of the game, the already-used-to-tools, and begin to seek innovation and novelty.

There is a time when maturity means change, where growth means rising above mediocrity, where living were dying for something. If you have never felt the pull of something that unnerves you, that agitates your spirit so powerfully that you become ready to put up arms, if you have never felt the throb climb higher, to breast the everlasting hills and rise, to look beyond the limits of what you have known until now, then the child in you is still asleep. Those who dare break routine and dance with the rhythm of the passion that wells from deep within them become heroes and arbiters of change for a better society.

Life is not about securities. Those who actually live are ever taking chances and risking the best in them. This reality echoes in the classic words of a celebrated poet, Robert Frost:

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the road less traveled by. And it has made a difference.”

And I ask you, I dare ask you: how many pleasant roads of adventure would have led us, you and I, farther down the bigger treasure and noblest purity of life, roads we have shunned out of cowardice or the fear of loss? We dare not venture where none ever had walked. We fear the less untraveled roads of life for many reasons. I will sum them up in three:

1. Mediocrity: We are always secure with what we have. And we remain inhabited with the fear of losing it. The more curious, ridiculous truth is that we even fear losing the things we do not possess.

2. Mediocrity: We always fear knowing more about who we are. We fear to descend into our darkness. We like swimming in the surfaces of our shallowness. Going deeper would mean truth and truth is responsibility. We fear going deeper for we would know, and knowing is freedom. We would like free falls if we have an idea of what we are landing on.

3. Mediocrity: we always fear hurting someone; hence we remain slaves of his or her caprices or of our own. And aren’t we products of a manipulated and manipulative society?

There is one way that takes us above our shallowness. It is passion for life: this reckless desire to step into its traps and be tamed by its currents.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: MYSTERY OF HIDDEN PEARLS

Beauty and the beast is a story that most of us are familiar with and a story that I love to think about when I look at the mystery of life, love and its hidden truths. For us, who still have the tint of the fascination born of fairy land, there is always a veil to uncover in every situation. There is always another dimension to life, that of the spirit, that where we do not seek to put the heavens into our heads, but rather wallow freely in the dimensions of contemplative imagination. Chesterton is reputed to say, often and anon, that mathematicians do get mad, while the poets become sane.

This is very true of the little man within each of us. It is the man who wants the best of life but gives nothing. The man who calculates, who measures according to his petty justice; the man who wants to define beauty through his distorted eyes, such a man ends up always in greater frustration. Great gifts come to us in disguise. Believe it or not, all that glitters isn’t goal. The priceless gems of life are hidden beneath darkly veils of pain. They are the ugly beast whose transformation becomes possible through the power of love that flows from Beauty. There is always a spell on the gifts we receive from creation. We need to unbound, to loosen the spell with inner perception, the transforming power of love and the invincible bourn of compassion that sets free things hidden from our sight.

Sometimes we have the best things within our reach, but we throw them to the winds because we do not have the key to unlock the treasure house that they contain, we are either afraid to discover what lies beneath or we are not patient enough to work on the spell until it loosens up. This law of fairy land, that love transforms things and makes them beautiful is true of all we handle or break. If you see a prince in the beast, it certainly will become your king. It is not because you are beautiful that you are lovable. You are lovable because you are the object of love. You have value not in the fact that you are. Your value derives from the eyes that fall on you. That is how it is in fairy land. People think there is a reason behind everything, but we in Elfland believes that things just happen: they are just in the way we see them. That gaze we pose on things is powerful. It can transform them and in transforming them becomes a whole metaphor within which our happiness is experienced.

AS YOU THINK SO YOU FEEL 2

WHAT you think has a lot to do, not only with the way you feel, but with the forces that determine the path you walk on and the legacy you forge for the world. If you see yourself as an imbecile, you definitely will feel like and act like an imbecile. Our thought patterns affect us in a thousand ways and in ways we are hardly aware of.

It isn’t uncommon to hear people admonish others with phrases such as: “Be positive!” or “Be positive!”, or “You can do better,” and the like. And yes, we can think positive, we can be positive and we can always do better than what we actually do. Sad thing is that few people make the effort to rise above mediocrity. And when they do, we call them genius. By nature, the human being is tragic. By nature, the human being is short-lived. And any little adversity may threaten his existence to its very core. He is always torn between two conflicting desires, the desire to rise above himself and rule over mediocrity or the feeling of utter helplessness and a victim; he is torn between his personal dreams and the conventions of society; he vacillates between the desire to please those around him and his personal call to transcend life and give it meaning. In the swing between these conflicting worlds, he is called to re-define himself and write his name on the face of the earth.

There is a call in every man or woman, a call to a greatness that lifts us from the mire of all that could be degrading and painful in both the flesh and the spirit. There is a spark that can grow bigger and bigger until it becomes a beacon, a mighty flame to light the distant horizons of life. No life is bereft of this spark. The sad thing is that few people discover this spark in them and make the bold efforts to nurture and fan it with twigs. We easily fall with discouraging thoughts that flow from our weak nature of humans.

Vincent Norman Pearl coined a phrase that had always accompanied me, all along, especially in challenging moments: “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.” There is a mysterious power in boldness. Boldness is about being positive, it is about looking at the dry leaves before you and seeing a green pasture ahead, it is believing in the forces of nature that conspire to make everything work in the pattern of your dreams. It is the only thing left to us when all has been robbed from our palms, the conviction that we are made for a higher truth than the world can reveal and stronger love than it can give. People with this frame of mind rise above every ailing thought to become, not only heroes, but inspiration for others. In positive thought lies the secret of transformation, of self-actualization and growth. The moment you start feeling that you are nothing is the same moment that anything, even the imaginary, wears you down and rules over you.

Do not be afraid to believe in your greatness. Do not fear to behold it in the stark darkness of desecrated loyalties. With all your might attract every positive sensitive to dwell in the darkness where fear holds sways and walks your dreams with indifference. Brush away from your mind every shred of despair, fight against everything that stands between you and your dreams. When this battle will be over, you shall have become a bright that links two worlds for others: their helpless longings and their long lost dreams. That is what inspiration is all about.

AS YOU THINK SO YOU FEEL

I wanted to give a different title to this note. I have intended to give it the caption: “Break these Walls”, but on second thoughts, I decided to drop it. I had thought of the walls, the invisible walls we build around us. The walls that are not intended to rule our discretion in our dealings with others. They are thick, spectral walls that rise with our fear. Fear… that is one of our common friend, if not the worst enemy of our lives. And do not tell me you know no fear. I will tell you some of the common fears you see and sense on the tensed faces of people you work with or those you pass by on the walkways: the fear of being abandoned, the fear of losing a job, the fear of what others will say about your failure… the fear of not impressing family or friends; there is also the fear of pain, of hurts, of betrayals and the worst of these fears is that which is unnamed, the unidentified fear of the unknown, the tragic feeling that things will get wrong.

The root of all our fears is the fear of not being loved. This fear pushes us to push people around, manipulating them and propping up appearances just to please those around us and to earn favors. We want to feel loved, but we fear allowing ourselves to be seen by others as we are. Hence, relationships become controlled, tensed and heavy to bear because we are always on the look-out for covers, making efforts to keep up with the disguised image.

But, and please listen, we can only be free people by stepping in the realm of love with our nudity. Those who love us will see our beauty in our brokenness. Without this brokenness we cannot love others properly. Only weak people are capable of love, people who recognize that they are needy, that they are imperfect. They recognize the need to share their lives with others. At this point fear cedes place to trust and trust to a silence that speaks a lot of the mystery of friendship. The very moment you start feeling that you are not lovable is the very moment you start distrusting everyone, even those with the noblest of intentions.

Thoughts are very important. They are what constitutes the beauty of our inner life. Breaking the walls means accepting the transforming power of our old wounds leading to new creations where friendship flourish, where language is no longer lived as mere gossip but an offering of self to friends in an attitude of trust and gratitude. At such point both silence and expression become synonymous as they enter into the harmony of beings that are open to give and take. The walls of our fear will not fall unless we discover or re-discover the truth of who we are and learn to welcome ourselves with such positive and healing thoughts as to transform the way we feel about the world and the people around us.

CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF PAIN

There is no dignity in suffering. If suffering were beautiful, it certainly would be someone else’s suffering. However, suffering has a certain value. Besides the fact that it enlarges our spirit, it speaks a language to us and it awakens us to the consciousness of living purposefully. Just like darkness helps us define light, so is suffering. It opens our heart’s portal to the mystery of love. Experience has taught me that people who have suffered a lot and have transcended their pain become very rich in their humanity. Having touched pain in their own flesh, they become sensitive and very humble when they sense it in other lives. Proud and arrogant people are those who haven’t yet understood this and their arrogance reveals the depths of their misery.

There is no pain that the human heart cannot bear. And people hardly die of pain. In his touching tale of Life in Auschwitz, Frankl decries the harrowing and devastating experiences of the concentration camp. This book is about finding meaning in the heart of experiences that stripes the human of all dignity, lays him bare and utterly vulnerable. The pain can be so terrible that the only possible path of escape is suicide. Yet, few people consider suicide. In his practice of logo-therapy, he has often asked his patients who have undergone immense suffering why they never committed suicide. Someone would always have something that links him or her to life, something s/he would live or die for.

People discover the power of love in moments of abject suffering. Instead of suffering for love, suffering becomes a path through which many roads are opened in their lives. A woman who has undergone throes of birth would know what I am talking about. And that experience reveals that something always comes to life when we suffer. Something is born within us, something that adds value to life and something that links us intimately to life. There are two things that happen when we suffer. Suffering can destroy what is human in us, or it can make it can sharpen our faculties and unleash the hidden, creative energy within us.

Suffering destroys when we do not dare to step outside of its chamber. This happens when you look at it as evil, daring not to face it. This is very common especially in situations where the pain is inflicted. The immediate reaction is that of shock and retaliation. Bitterness can be born from this experience. A person, shut into his chamber of pain becomes restless, domineering and unforgiving. But the person who dares step beyond its threshold sees things differently, looks at the world with a new understanding, and unleashes the creative force that redefines his identity. There is no pain that the human person cannot grow from. The truth I have learned is that when we step out of our darkness, we can bath in the luminosity of the light streaking from the brokenness of others. That is what stepping beyond the threshold of pain is all about.